I’m not one to seek attention. I never have been, though people would think that’s a lie. I’m just a girl; a girl who is terrible at opening up to people, a girl who has gone through hell and back while struggling with depression, anxiety, self harm, self hate and I may have some slight anger management issues. I know I’m not the only one.
Recently, I lost someone who I used to call mine. I don’t know what happened. and I can’t help but blame myself because I don’t know what went wrong.. He wouldn’t say it often, but once in a while he called me beautiful. And I knew he was talking about all of me, even my scars. But, I can only recall the last time he called me beautiful, only because it was the last time, and I don’t even know if he meant it or not. And that’s what kills me. He chose someone else over me, and that stings more than I care to explain.
I look in the mirror, and I see, well I don’t know what I see. And thats the sad part. I see someone so completely less than ordinary..There is nothing special about me or the way I look, and there are people who have made that very clear. Someone once told me, “How can you expect someone to love you if you don’t even love yourself?” And I don’t know. I don’t hate myself, but I kinda like myself.
Is it so wrong to just want someone to tell you how beautiful you are, and actually mean it? And I don’t mean your mom or dad. I love watching movies, and I just see everyone getting their Happily Ever After. The guy will just take the girl and kiss her so passionately like he can never loose her. And that’s all I want. I know I’m still young, and I still have time. But I really thought I had found mine, and then it was just ripped away like pages of a book. I thought I was fine. And I think I’m starting to be, but I didn’t know it was okay to hurt someone like that. So yes, maybe I’m fickle and maybe I’m naïve. And maybe I still have a journey or two ahead of me..
This is the only place I really actually open up, and that’s because most people will just skip over this. Maybe the few of my friends won’t but they won’t say anything. They never do. But like I said, I don’t look for attention, and I don’t even like it to be honest. But it would be so fucking nice to have someone say “you’re so beautiful” and mean it..